Over the course of the last several years my life went from iffy, to falling apart, to flat out broken. I lost my house to the bank, my job requirements changed multiple times as the place I worked made changes that left me feeling like I couldn’t ever get really good at anything, and in the end my health paid the price with nerve pain and an autoimmune condition.
One morning, as I was heading in early so I could go very slow, because the night before I had been told that as long as I didn’t ‘push it’ my serpentine belt “should be fine” for me to get from my apartment to my job, I hit a metaphorical wall. It probably would have caused the same damage had I hit an actual wall. It was around 5:00 in the morning and in the pitch black and pouring rain my alternator and serpentine belt quit.
This, by the way, is what it looks like in the dark snowy rainy January of New England when you are holding half your serpentine belt in your hand at 4:30 in the morning and hoping for the best.
As I realized I needed to pull over after my lights started to dim, and the wipers slowed down I turned on my hazards. Then my lights went out completely and after a minute my wipers quit completely as well. “Pull over!” I can almost hear you shouting. Easier said than done because the road had no lights and the winters snows and thaws had left the roadsides dangerously unstable.
I finally pulled over onto another street and was in the middle of calling the local police department when I saw headlights heading right towards me. Full disclosure I swore and then apologized profusely to the sheriff on the phone. Thankfully they saw me in time and did not hit my black car in the pitch black of 5:30am and the police came so I had his lights. After sobbing uncontrollably for several minutes, hey now-don’t judge until you’ve had a bunch of mad drivers of giant pickups all flashing their headlights at you and trying to rev their engines to ‘make you move’ while you’re clutching the wheel like you are going to die, I heard from my insurance company there were no tow trucks and I lost it again. So the local police called someone they knew and eventually I was on my way. By eventually, I mean by 6:30am I was watching in the pouring rain as this happened. 
By the time I got to the garage, had the ‘please fix my car!’ conversations, waited for them to see what they could do, all while texting my boss because I wasn’t going to be on time. Then somewhere around 8:30-9:00 I realized I’d been so upset that I was ready to be sick and that I’d been shaking from adrenaline for hours. I hadn’t even noticed it because I was so worried about what people were going to think. Worried they would think I was being lazy, not trying, didn’t care…you name it I thought it.
I was fine, although it felt like I hit the metaphorical wall as hard as my car had, but it was the last straw and it led to some very deep thinking which included a realization that my life was seriously dysfunctional and I better find some ways to stop being on edge.
So here I am, learning, growing, and experiencing some fun (and some crazy) things as I reassemble my life, because when your life is broken you get some duct tape and dream big.
Duct Tape and Dreams 