I am not a ‘get your nails done’ kind of girl. But when I was trying to figure out an easy way to do something nice for myself. I went to the dollar store and bought a bunch of $1.00 and $2.00 nail polish bottles and went to town. I sparkled and got all glittery and painted all kinds of Mondrian-esque boxes of colors intersected by lines and other crazy things. Then I decided to try going to the salon with my sister in law and the designs got less crazy but the colors got prettier and it was nice to have someone massage my hands with warm lotion and to feel the hot towels on my hands and arms.
The purpose of painting my nails as something fun had morphed into enjoying the process of getting my nails painted. I enjoyed the time to relax, to talk to my sister in law about who I was talking to, my friends, my job, etc. and hearing about her life as well. Every two to three weeks we’d get together and sometimes I’d go to church with the whole family and then go off with her to the salon and then go back to my brother’s house for lunch or dinner. They even made me a birthday cake one week. It was fun and relaxing to get my nails done and I enjoyed it whole heartedly. But I realized after a little while that what I really loved was the reason to see my family. We don’t live close to each other so it was a trek to go down there but it was more than worth it. I got to spend time with my niece and nephew, celebrate little achievements and hear about their days. I got to see my brother and catch up with him. I got to know my sister in law as a woman, not just my brother’s wife or their children’s mother. I got to have family dinners and spend time in the backyard and watch movies and get to know them all as people.
I know when I said ‘self care’ and ‘nails’ in the same sentence some people would think it was something fatuous, or just about beauty, or self serving, although in some ways I suppose it is self serving actually. I have been given a chance to really know my family because I found something that I could do with other people that made me feel good too. I’ve spent a not inconsiderable amount of my lifetime doing whatever other people needed me to do for them. To make them feel good. To make them feel important. I kept swallowing all the things I wanted to ask for because it seemed selfish. Turns out it’s not selfish to do something with someone you like that you both enjoy and that creates a thing of beauty. Beauty, in and of itself, is not selfish.
What I learned in the pre-Covid days of going to the salon was that it’s ok to do things for yourself sometimes, and that led me to examine a lot of what I was doing. I found that a lot of the things that make me miserable are things I feel like I have to do because someone else wants me to. Instead of continuing to do that, I’m now reexamining the choices I make and trying to learn what I’m doing because I want to, and what I’m doing because I feel like I owe someone or because I feel obligated because of my role in whatever group I’m in at the time.
It’s led to a whole lot of changes and I’ll talk more about them next time when I fill you in on my new attempt at art journaling.
Duct Tape and Dreams 